The Happy Clown
by LostInTheDreams
Summary: It's hard to believe in the perfect. It's hard to believe people are really as happy as they seem. It's hard to believe that behind a clown's smile, there really are no tears.
**The Happy Clown**

"I don't get it mom," I admitted, watching the computer screen and her face being transmitted from thousands of miles away. "Everyone's been looking at me strangely and talking like I need physiatric help or something."

Mom only laughed. "Can you fault them? You run around at night like your father and only he and I were crazy enough for one another. You've been keeping up your grades, haven't you?"

"Yeah, that's the weird thing. I'm in the top or near the top of most of my classes. It's not like I'm falling behind." I scratched the back of my neck. "I don't get it."

"Well, maybe it's because you're too perfect."

I raised my eyebrows, looking at the screen for further explanation.

Mom sighed. "Kaito, you're… different. It's not a bad thing. I know you're fine and I get calls from you all the time, have been checking up on you like I should, and I know nothing's wrong – but maybe people are afraid because there's nothing wrong. You've had bad days, I know, but you only tell me about them."

"So I should go telling Aoko every time I'm feeling bad? Most of the time it's stuff I can't share with her so what do I do then? And I'm not some girl. I don't want to go around spouting out my feelings to her. It's just weird."

"Maybe, but sometimes it's hard to believe people are really happy in this day and age when people hate secrets. You're going to have to tell her something sooner or later." She winked at me and then cut the connection.

I was left staring at the black computer screen.

"What was that about?" I complained to the silent plastic, closing the lid. "If mom thinks I'm telling Aoko about Kid right now, then she's crazy. I'd get arrested."

Of course maybe it was better to just throw that at her. School was horrible, with her looking over at me every other class period to make sure I was still there. I'd even noticed Hakuba-kun doing the same to me after that last heist.

I couldn't blame him. Someone had died and I hated that it had happened. With his guess that it was me that had seen it and failed to help, I had expected his stares. Aoko's were the ones that were annoying. His only became so after the first week.

Finally after school a few weeks later, I just gave up.

"What do you two want?" I honestly asked, standing halfway between my own desk and Hakuba's. It put them both the same distance from me and I was able to turn to look at both of them.

"Nothing," Hakuba said complacently, raising his hands. "When have I ever wanted or asked for anything from you?"

Aoko remained silent but there was a torn look on her face and I gave her some time.

"Kaito… are you okay?"

Now where did that come from?

"Annoyed," I admitted. "I mean, you guys keep looking at me like someone died." Bad analogy but my mind didn't have time to think on something better.

They were both silent except for the scrape as Hakuba drew away from his desk and picked his schoolbag off the floor.

I rolled by eyes at the both of them.

"I'm not sure what you two think is wrong but I'm just fine and everything at home is just fine and, while I'm not about to go jumping in love of this beautiful day or anything, _nothing_ is wrong."

"It is rather hard to tell when you shift between obnoxiously overjoyed and annoyed," Hakuba admitted, stepping up close to me. He usually tried to keep his distance for fear of what I had up my sleeve or in my pockets. It was when he drew up the courage to erase that 'safety' distance he thought he had that told it was something serious.

I shrugged. "I usually am annoyed at school or with people. When I'm happy, I'm happy. Is there something wrong with that?"

"It's rather hard to tell when you're sad."

I frowned and looked around, my arms raised and at my side. "Sad? What do I have to be sad about? I don't see you over in the corner, weeping your eyes out for no reason."

"That is true. I mostly received my information from Aoko-kun, and she is rather close to you. It simply seemed strange to the both of us that you're rather secular in nature. Most people have a larger variety of emotions."

I closed my eyes for a moment, looking between the both of them once more. Aoko still seemed far too worried and Hakuba had always been hard to read. "There's nothing wrong. If there were something wrong, I'd tell you." I kept my eyes on Aoko's too wide, fearful ones. "There's not. I'm not about to go telling you each and every thing that crosses my mind but don't you think I would tell you if something was bothering me to the extent you think it is?"

"Unless, for some reason, you couldn't share it with her."

Ah, everyone really _was_ turning into personal therapists. The world really needed to unwind a little, but I'd be happy with just my class. The rest of the world could do what they wanted.

"If something was bothering me and I, for some reason, couldn't tell Aoko, I'd tell _someone_. Do I look like some self-hating idiot?" This time I turned to Hakuba-kun. The guy was clearly influencing Aoko and I needed to put an end to this. "I have a mom. I have other guy friends who certainly aren't you. Is it that hard to believe that I'm really just happy?"

"A bit, yes."

The response was so fast and frank that it threw me. They really thought that I was hiding some deep pain or something and had no one to talk to. Sure, some times bothered me – hurt me – but it wasn't like I sat there and let them fester just to feel the pain. I didn't pretend they weren't there. That'd be stupid. It was better to face them and get over any issues than let them rot away.

"You're an idiot." I had called Hakuba an idiot before, but never as myself. He deserved to know that both my personae thought it. "I really am fine. I really am annoyed and nothing else. I'm getting a bit angry right now, but I'm not sad or hurt or anything."

"Can you blame us for thinking you might be?" Aoko had gotten up as well, closer to me still than Hakuba was. "You make it really hard to tell, Kaito…"

"Sorry," I spoke before I had much else cross my mind. Saying 'sorry' to Aoko was simply a reflex at this point. "Nothing that you're likely thinking has even crossed my mind. If I had guessed that that was the reason you guys were practically staring me down every day, I would have brought it up before now. I'm really am fine."

Aoko let out a breath but she finally smiled, turning around and grabbing her bag before heading towards the door. "Good. You'd better stay that way."

"Hey, don't leave without me!" I had to go back to my own desk and grab my bag before Aoko got too far. She was making dinner tonight and I'd have to wait until she was finished cooking but that didn't mean she wouldn't yell at me for taking so long.

Who knew what her dad would say if we both came back late together though. I stopped with that thought. Maybe letting her have a few minutes on me wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"It is much harder to understand how a sad person can be happy than to imagine how a happy person can be sad, which leaves the imagination to wander on its own and sometimes over-exaggerate the little things." Hakuba's hand was on my shoulder and I froze, feeling his own tension meet mine. "If something, for some reason, does come up and you feel any need to talk to me, I would not contest a phone call from someone I do not know – you know, if someone needed to talk and wished to remain anonymous."

"Thanks for the underhanded offer." As if Hakuba were giving out his free services to everyone. "You just sit by the phone until you're gray for all I care. I'm fine and don't have enough free time to spend talking with you when I could be calling someone else."

I grabbed my bag and walked out, but it felt kind of nice. Hakuba and I weren't friends but we weren't solely enemies anymore either. While more than a classmate, he seemed drawn in some land of confusion without a place. It wasn't' my fault that he went from trying to see me behind bars to trying to protect my health – apparently mental as well as physical. It was weird and there were too many contradictions in our relationship for him to be anything other than a spontaneous event in my life.

Though holding out his hand to me was a start. Maybe we could be friends.

Aoko ran off to the point where I couldn't see her even with several blocks before me to look for her. I walked back alone, something I hadn't done in a while since Aoko usually walked with me, and had to think on what a weird day this was. Weeks, if I was counting before I said anything.

I could read people as easily as books. I could tell when they were ticked or when something was bothering them and they didn't want to talk about it. While I had never been good with tact before, I had learned to use it as a weapon. It didn't occur to me before that _I_ was hard to read, and that other people couldn't tell what I was feeling like I could with them. As a one-way mirror kind of situation, I could start to see how all of this had come about.

I really was happy with my life though. I couldn't do anything about those that were dead, only those that were living. I could feel bad for them, but personally I didn't suffer from any of the same emotional backlash. There was so much wrong with this world that my own situation wasn't so strange – wasn't even unique, since I had met Ruby.

"Jeez, people over think things way too much."

 _Good thing I'm not like that_ , I told myself sarcastically.


End file.
